Too much to say

I'm not the only one who thinks of many marvelous things to write about and then rapidly clicks away from Blogger as soon as a blank page is presented, I know this.  However, I doubt there are many that give up dozens of times over a period of months rather than weeks because really - what would be the point?  You've heard it all before, I've written it all before.

I want to write, desperately.  I just don't know what to say that can't be summarized in a few short sentences.  I don't know whether I'm measuring in weeks or months, but I sincerely hope to write again like I used to.  Thinking about those more prolific days makes me wistful, and I don't need to be more wistful.  I want that outlet again, but talking about Then just makes me dwell on the now. Now is bad, now is shit.  I was sad a lot Then, but I don't recall hating who I had become, and how I was to others. 

The gist, to spare you numerous posts of endless laments, is that I fucked up coming here.  I've probably said that in at least a couple of the 5 or so posts I've written since moving over almost two years ago.  I still hate my job with a fervor I never thought possible, The Dude is doing things he does not want to do in the absence of gainful employment in his field, I don't really like the United States and a lot of its inhabitants, and the second child issue is a further knife in the otherwise shitastic clusterfuck that was my decision to up and move back.  My girl is amazing, wonderful, and is what holds my shattered pieces together.  She is my constant.  I have had some "episodes" (for lack of a better word) of depersonalization, as diagnosed by the internet and my highly-qualified self, and she is the only thing which brings me back.

Since I now appear certifiably insane, if anyone else has experienced depersonalization before and cares to share their experiences, please do so in the comments or by email.  As we well know, I have always had some headspace issues, but not to this extent.  I have tried the "WE MUST GO BACK TO ENGLAND OR ELSE I WILL NEED TO BE COMMITTED!" approach, but here I remain.

So that's that.  Crazy.  Full of rage and hatred.  Looking for a cabin in which to live off the grid with my family.   What a post!


Orodemniades said...

Maybe you need to move to Vermont. Or some place not full of asshats.

Or maybe you need to move back to England. (I, personally, would never want to move back to Scotland permanently due to the sucking of my life's juices there, and PTSD, and All That Ensued)

SassyCupcakes said...

Depersonalisation sounds scary. I'm sorry life is shity right now. Except for your girl, I'm so glad you have your girl.

electriclady said...

I'm sorry everything sucks so bad. I wish I had something more profound and helpful to say. Is moving back a good (real) option?

DrSpouse said...

OK, I'm going to pretend this was me, though of course it isn't.

We had about 9 months with Mr Spouse unable to work (legally - not just lack of job - I'm not sure if that's your case or if it's just not finding a job). That was about our limit and I sympathise. Both of us found it hard though I enjoyed what I was doing, I slightly resented him not working at all (for the last 3 years he's been studying while I've been working, which is of course different).

However if we could have stayed significantly longer it would have made our adoption much much much quicker, cheaper, and easier. If you are even vaguely thinking of that, feel free to ask me for info.

I also get the impression that had we wanted to do ART it would have been easier and possibly quicker (though not cheaper certainly, and possibly not more effective, though of course we judged it's likely effectiveness to be zero so didn't bother).

Also, sympathy. I could not live in some parts of the US, certainly.

Tash said...

Good lord, please tell me I'm not the asshat? Or maybe, could you move further in? (My neighborhood is decidedly not asshatty.) (IMO.) Also, is it creepy that I want to just give you a hug? I'm so fucking sorry. I hate that you hate your job. Nothing like ruing a decision to stoke up the guilt.

Not sure if I can help with anything, but please email me if I possibly can. Otherwise, move back, I say.

David Haas said...

I have a quick question about your blog, do you think you could email me?

Jen said...

I'm so sorry the past few years have been so wretched. The combination of hating your job, hating where you live, infertility and moving are all huge stressors, so it's no wonder you're feeling crappy.

When I've had moments of depersonalization, it's been in the context of being very depressed. The rage, too, for me has come in periods when I've been depressed.

I wish I could make it better. Thinking of you.

Tommie said...

This all just sucks so much. I'm so sorry. My younger girl is a bit younger than your girl and I remember us sort of going through GERD/refluxy babies together and it was lovely to know I wasn't alone during the months and months and months of dealing with a screamy baby. I hope you feel a little less along having written this.

Thalia said...

I've had this window open for days and not known what to type so thought I should just type something.

I am sorry it's so shit

i think you need a doctor re the headspace - is that possible? Could you come back to the UK to see people and see a doc that way if there are health insurance issues? Feels like it's too hard for you to be coping with alone.

Non-working husbands are hard. I had one of those for a year and it drove me a bit batty after a while.

Why does himself want to stay in the US if you are miserable, he isn't working and it's generally tough?

thinking of you

HFW said...

Belated waving of supportive paw; I am a little behind with my blog-reading. This all sounds so Shitty, Pru, and I'm sorry. No advice on the de-personalwhatsit though, I'm afriad, except Get Thee To A Physician, because you absolutely do not have to feel like that.

SassyCupcakes said...

I've been thinking of you lately. I hope life is being kinder nowdays. Take care.

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