I'm not the only one who thinks of many marvelous things to write about and then rapidly clicks away from Blogger as soon as a blank page is presented, I know this. However, I doubt there are many that give up dozens of times over a period of months rather than weeks because really - what would be the point? You've heard it all before, I've written it all before.
I want to write, desperately. I just don't know what to say that can't be summarized in a few short sentences. I don't know whether I'm measuring in weeks or months, but I sincerely hope to write again like I used to. Thinking about those more prolific days makes me wistful, and I don't need to be more wistful. I want that outlet again, but talking about Then just makes me dwell on the now. Now is bad, now is shit. I was sad a lot Then, but I don't recall hating who I had become, and how I was to others.
The gist, to spare you numerous posts of endless laments, is that I fucked up coming here. I've probably said that in at least a couple of the 5 or so posts I've written since moving over almost two years ago. I still hate my job with a fervor I never thought possible, The Dude is doing things he does not want to do in the absence of gainful employment in his field, I don't really like the United States and a lot of its inhabitants, and the second child issue is a further knife in the otherwise shitastic clusterfuck that was my decision to up and move back. My girl is amazing, wonderful, and is what holds my shattered pieces together. She is my constant. I have had some "episodes" (for lack of a better word) of depersonalization, as diagnosed by the internet and my highly-qualified self, and she is the only thing which brings me back.
Since I now appear certifiably insane, if anyone else has experienced depersonalization before and cares to share their experiences, please do so in the comments or by email. As we well know, I have always had some headspace issues, but not to this extent. I have tried the "WE MUST GO BACK TO ENGLAND OR ELSE I WILL NEED TO BE COMMITTED!" approach, but here I remain.
So that's that. Crazy. Full of rage and hatred. Looking for a cabin in which to live off the grid with my family. What a post!
