When is the time

After at least a year or more of mostly internal deliberations, I've arrived at a decision. I think it's time to try and surrender my uterus to a sibling for P. It's only within the past six months that I've felt remotely interested in trying for another baby, but my concerns about the logistics of life have gotten in the way.

I voiced my doubts the first time round as to whether I was ready, or even truly wanted a child. I'm still unsure how much of it wasn't due to my long-term ability not to not be able to get pregnant and my innate hatred of failing to accomplish something I'm intent upon achieving. Regardless of my reasons for pursuing treatment, it's a decision that enriched my life to an extent I wouldn't have thought possible.

Because of this, it's hard to genuinely believe that I am confident in my decision. It's strange - something happened along the way that made me go from being all, "Second kid? Fuck no!" to "Ohmigod. Babyeeees are soooo cute!" in a short space of time. I suppose things settled in such a way that I felt comfortable where I was as a mother, thus allowing me to consider that I could do this again. If I allow myself to deliberate too much, I worry that my optimism is a bit too bold, and a year, or a year and a half from now I'll read this again and laugh at my abject ignorance.

Even once I thought I was ready for a second child, life got in the way. Where would we live? Certainly not this dinky two-bed flat which is bulging at the seams with the three of us. As our plans are to relocate to the US in the near future, there would be no point in buying a bigger place in the UK. Job? I am applying for jobs in the US on a weekly basis, desperately hoping that someone will finally think I am capable of being employed in that country once again. Having a kid would obviously delay that for awhile. Quite awhile.

Recently I've decided to stop analyse so friggin' much and just jump right in. You can only debate a subject's pros and cons for so long before it dawns on you that there is no path to the right answer; it will never present itself. The pros are unchanging, the cons generally strong enough to withstand every angle of pondering. We'll move eventually, I'll get a job in the US at some point. However, we all know these girl parts weren't so keen on reproducing when I was in my early 20s, so now at 31, depressingly, the clock is ticking.

I'm giving myself some time to get used to the idea, perhaps a couple of months. I need to try and wean myself off Celexa, which may be the biggest challenge with this whole gig. Those in the know - does one really need to kick the SSRI habit before trying to get pregnant, because, um...EW! I'm having some anxiety issues at the moment WITH my pharma pal, I would not be remotely interested in having Teh Secks if I was too busy having panic attacks and doing my fainting goat impression. I may as well just skip the hors d'oeuvres and go straight to the IVF.

Who knows what the future of this blog may bring? Will I be talking about pussaries again? Taking photos of my beloved Puregon Pen partying on my gut? Regardless, hopefully it will all lead to my pregnant lady boobs being ogled again by construction workers. After all, that's what we're all really fighting for.


Clover said...

Good for you for taking the plunge again (or will be, in the near future).
On another note, I can't find your email address to let you know I have a new post up (after 6 months) and man, its a doozy. Hugs (and tequila) are welcome.

May said...

Woo hoo! Blogging about girly parts!!

Anonymous said...


And, *hugs*.

And best of British. And American. And fingers immensely crossed that P will soon be a Big Sister as well as Big Girl in Uniform.

You brave woman. Ohhh, welcome back to the Fiery Saddle of TTC.

Anonymous said...

My Dearest Pru -

According to my wise and learned OB, one does NOT need to be SSRI-free whilst pregnant. However, not all SSRIs are created equal. Apparently, Zoloft is the only one approved for use while pregnant or nursing. So, you may need to switch. But that's better than Teh Crazy for months and months, right?

My uterus is sending yours happy, egg-filled thoughts. Maybe yours can send some back to me?


kate said...

Wow! HUGE decision! And I'm excited to be sharing the saddle with you. Well, not literally. I'm a wacky kind of girl, but I generally prefer my own saddle. But metaphorically, I am glad to read about your adventures back in the Working-On-Making-A-Baby saddle, because I am currently seated there myself, is what I mean.

Calliope said...

woooooooooo!!!! this is some exciting stuff.
also- my OB is fine will wellbutrin from 2nd tri through nursing and zoloft all the way. I was "allowed" to be on wellbutrin while ttc and remained on it until 2nd + beta. Then I went off and was fine until 24 weeks and then I sooooooo needed it. still on it.


electriclady said...

Welcome back to the dark side, my dear. Glad we're doing this together.

rockmama said...

Woo Hoo! Loads of good luck for upcoming IVF shennanigans!

Yes, SSRI's really aren't so conducive to The Sechs. When I was preggo unexpectedly in January, I went off my Ciprolex cold turkey and whoa doggie, it was The Suck. Better to wean gently

Caro said...

Don't know anything about SSRI's but good luck on the TTC thing.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I think you hit with that idea that there is no perfect time, no moment where you know with certainty that it's the perfect moment. Sending good thoughts as you jump back in.

Jendeis said...

According to my drug dealer (the shrink), it's more of a moderation/balance thing than a hard and fast rule. That is, if the mother cannot be healthy while off the drugs, then she should be on the drugs at the lowest level that will help her to maintain sanity and well-being.

I have heard that Zoloft is the most studied and, therefore, most recommended, for conception, pregnancy and nursing.

tireegal68 said...

Fwiw I am on the prozac happy pills and have been for over a year while miserably failing at TTC. My very eminent and extremely nice shrink tailormade my wean off the big bad ones and onto the less noxious. So far I am mildly anxious and depressed but all ready for the embies which are proving to be more difficult.

statia said...

I too, read back on my archives and laugh at my ignorance.

And honestly, for me, the anxiety riddled, stressed out mess, I find that it is much harder with two, however, it really is worth it. Especially if you know for sure that you're done. I feel that while, I'm so much more stressed, I'm also enjoying the baby thing more.

Betty M said...

See storing up posts on the reader means I miss stuff like this. Happy jumping back in to you. Here's to a nice easy journey - look someone has to have one right.

On SSRIs - the BMJ had an article last week about the possible risks to the foetus which they found were v. small. The BBC ran something on the study. Think this is one of the areas where benefit to the mother could outweigh super small risk to baby.

Kristi said...

Oh wow. Exciting news. I am hesitant to offer pharm advice, since I have no experience in this area (although I think I would do well with a heft dose of anti-depressants myself), but I don't think you need to stop taking SSRIs before getting pregnant, although don't quote me on that.

I'm happy for you. This is a big deal. :)