There are many times when IF bloggers feel like assholes. I've felt like an asshole from both sides of my experience - an asshole when I was desperately infertile and everyone and their third cousin's hair stylist got pregnant with no trouble, an asshole once I got pregnant and was still jealous of those people, and of course an asshole once I had the baby and experienced limited survivor's guilt.
I have trolled new depths of assholism now, however. A good male friend of mine got married in November to a wonderful woman. Soon after he proposed they were going to start trying. When he told me this I was approaching IVF #1, pissed off that I had reached that point at the age of 27, and convinced it would never work since all the Clomid and 4 injectible IUI cycles had been a complete waste of time. His wife-to-be was 40, significantly overweight, and had PCOS. I blogged about it, insisting that she would be pregnant before me, because that's just the way things are.
The couple decided soon after the wedding to start Clomid given the wife's age. I spent hours discussing IF treatment with him via IM, and he was so grateful for the knowledge that I have been so fortunate to gather through experience. She had her first IUI a month ago, and guess who is pregnant? My friend sent me an IM not long after the pee dried, and I am still the only person to know. Their parents aren't even aware of the news.
So my reaction should be elation, right? Joy that my marvellous friend and his wife look to be having a baby? Pleased that a fellow infertile has had early success? No. The asshole that cannot just let go of the residual pain of infertility is sad and upset. A woman 13 years older than me, much heavier than me, and with the same condition as me got pregnant after two Clomid cycles and an IUI. Yes, I have my baby now, but for some inexplicable reason I cannot let go of the years it took to have her.
I recently commented on someone's blog that it's tremendously difficult to shed the jealousy that infertility graces us with. Some of us may have success, but envy never leaves. I don't want to look at this woman and resent her for something she and her husband want so badly. I know how that pain is, and I would have a very hard time dealing with the knowledge that someone else resented me in that position.
I have blogged about my anger with IF bloggers who abandon other IF bloggers once they get pregnant, preaching that we should all be happy with one another's successes and joys. Yet here I am, a hypocrite of dazzling heights.
My name is Pru, and I'm an asshole.