Bad mutha

Funny story...I typed up a fairly admirable post about what I'm about to write about again and Blogger decided that it wasn't worth the time to publish. My creative juices flow so rarely these days I must take any opportunity to post when it strikes. That said, pardon me if this post is crap. I have every confidence that the earlier one was superior. Blogger bastards.

So, first of all I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments to my last post. You have no idea how helpful they were. I feel so alone on the bad days and it does help to read genuine assertions that everything will be ok. I know the gist of a lot of the comments was that this rough period would pass, much like all the assvice I received before. The difference is that your comments are heartfelt, born of recent experience and lack the condescension I get from people in everyday life.

I've arrived at the conclusion that P. has colic and GERD, as commenter Jen suggested. Speaking of which - Jen, the link connected to your name is dead so would you mind emailing me? I have consistently told the Health Visitor, midwife and GP that I suspect GERD (fabulous name) and they have ignored me. It was confirmed today that P. is not gaining much weight at all, which, hey, lends creedence to what I have been saying for months. Imagine. I have an appointment with the GP next week to decide what to do next. I'll try to refrain from pushing the GERD agenda too much, but I really hope something can be done.

Jumping swiftly from my excellent diagnostic skills to my rather suspect parenting behaviour, I thought I'd put down in writing how I'm surely compromising my child's current and future well-being.

As mentioned previously, P. has turned into quite the crier. Morning, afternoon, early evening. Whatever. She's going to cry about it. Once all the traditional methods have been exhausted - rocking, swinging, happy time in the vibrating chair, cuddling, swaddling, back patting, etc., I have to resort to the devil in the form of a 42" wall-mounted plasma TV. I know, I know. You needn't tell me how naughty this is, I was raised on PBS and nature programmes, I know the evils of television. However, it calms her down almost immediately, and when your ears are ringing from having a baby wail in your ear for 20 minutes straight, you'd dangle her out the window by her toes if it meant she'd shut up for just a moment.

Our general protocol is to put on some good old fashioned hip hop and rap videos, so on with the quality parenting! I go right to MTV Base when the screaming commences, none of that adult contemporary John Mayer shit on VH1 and its various incarnations for us. P. shows a particular fondness for Jay-Z, Snoop, Kanye West and Missy Elliott. Basically, your average nearly 3 month old tastes. I cradle her facing the television, then do booty dances for the entirety of the videos. She really enjoys it and cries again when I stop because I'm too damn tired to continue. Some may question the wisdom of introducing the world of pimps, dropping it like its hot, and how to strong arm a ho to a child of her age. I say it's just preparation for the real world. I suppose a benefit is that the language is censored in the videos so it's only images of women shaking their badunkadunks that may influence future behaviour.

I ask you, what is wrong with a bit of badunkadunk?

NB: I desperately want to change the template of my blog. Any suggestions of someone who can help design one for me would be very much appreciated.


elle said...

Cant suggest blog templates, but I am glad someone diagnosed P for you. My babe has GERD too. For some reason, breastfeeding seesm to aggravate it, bottles don't (breastmilk in btl is fine - it seems to be the delivery system, not content). Another thing that helps is lying him flat on the bed and feeding that way. It makes no logical sense, but it works. And we use childrens mylanta - 1/4 tablet crushed w. water - to give when he's "fussy" at a feeding. It helps more than 1/2 the time. The above were all suggested by my lactation consultant. Also try kellymom.com for more info on GERD. Good luck!

Mollywogger said...

Nothing is wrong with badunkadunks. Bound to improve her future body image. Plus, isn't all that ass-shaking you're doing helping to "slim and tone the waistline?"

I don't want none unless you've got buns, hun.

Lumi said...


MTV? Hey, when it works, it works, know whadda mean?

I am SO hoping that the doc you're seeing next week will be able to set lill'Miss on the right track.

email me if you need to vent/want to chat.

kisses and love,
the Luminator

ps...sorry 'bout that "luminator" thing. no coffee, no sleep, not speaking to in-laws (even though they are at my house rightnowevenaswespeak!!) and someone cut 2 teeth in one night and holy joe pesci on a cracker i need a day at a spa.


Rachel said...

Oh, this is super fun, innit? I did a bad mommy thing this morning by turning off the baby monitor and letting her yell for three or four hours while I slept. When I finally went in to fix her up, she ate, burped, and FELL ASLEEP almost instantly. Maybe she just needed to get it out.

Jillian is a big fan on TV as well, but her tastes run more toward Project Runway. THANK GOD there is a PR marathon on Bravo almost every damn day! I'm not worried about her watching too much TV. It's not like I'm putting her in front of Barney or (god forbid) Elmo or something else that is going to fuck her up but good. She gets to watch EDUCATIONAL things like PR, Survivor, and CSI.

After all, MTV raised me (back when they actually showed videos) and I turned out all right, I think.

electriclady said...

Between the badunkadunks and the hamburger love, that girl will definitely be the one filling in all her friends on the facts of life on the school playground. I say it's never too early to be well-informed.

You do sound better--hope your ratio of good to bad days keeps increasing.

Sassy said...

I can help with the blog template if you want. Just email me what you've got in mind and I'll give you a hand.

You can email me at sassy at kimsplace dot net.

Suz said...

I am under no illusion that if we had a 42 inch wall-mounted plasma that my husband would be in front of it all the time...with both babies. And yes, I think exposing them to American football is much worse than a badunkadunk any day!

Ova Girl said...

Whatever works Pru, whatever works. Altho, just some additional assvice here, there's a thought that (P and tricky about same age including coming 3 weeks early yeah?)some babies has difficulty processing all the stimulation they receive during the day and around 6 on is when it all falls apart. So it's possible that while the MTV is keeping her amused during the morning it's having difficulty being exorcised from her brain come 6 oclock.

Re the 10 hour marathon sleep... It didn';t happen the next night although I seem to be getting more sleep ie more hours between feeds. I went from feeding almost every 2 hours some nights to 4 and 5 hours between feeds after my friend Nanny Annie said to me: He is old enough to have 4 hourly feeds (day and night) and he is quite capable of sleeping throughout the night. So now I try to feed 4 hourly but not be a total nazi about it and he seems to be settling very fast into it. But we know babies are different as well and also their routines go up and down like...well you know. Those things that go up and down.

Good luck to you matey. It's fucking hard eh?

statia said...

moxie design studios. My best friend does mainly commercial blogs and is booked out the ying yang, but I have to suggest her anyway.

Also, Mel, from http://www.emtwowebstudios.com/ is totally awesome and cool. She actually used to work with moxie before branching on her own. Moxie usually refers clients to her when they're unable to take on a project.

I'd help you, but it's been so long that you'd have a blog that looked like a spice rack made by a 3rd grader.

You know, I suspected maybe GERD or reflux, but I didn't want to be one of those asshole bloggers that spouts off assvice when I don't even have a kid of my own. Is there any medications they can give her? Poor kid. Although, christ, MY mother never let me listen to Missy Elliot when I was fussy. Bitch.

rockmama-in-waiting said...

Aint no shame in shakin that badunkadunk!

Our goddaughter constantly gets sat in front of some of the worst television the UK has to offer (courtesy of her mother), including Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and Eastenders. I swear the first words that are going to come out of her mouth are going to be, "You slag!"